17/9/2024 Reflection

Today’s Reflection:

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival! I had dinner with my friends, and I shared the news that I’m going back to China to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday. I also told them about the letter I wrote to her, one that I think she might not be happy with, but I feel it’s important to express my feelings.

My parents are the typical Chinese parents—controlling, as far back as I can remember. I was always taught to show filial respect and listen to them. While they claim the only thing they want is my happiness, whenever I am happy, they find something to criticise. They dislike my makeup, my hairstyle, and during most conversations with them, criticism is all I hear. I vividly remember, the last time they sent me off at the airport, my mom’s parting words were not to forget to put on makeup on the bus. Another time, when I mentioned a holiday trip, she reminded me to shave before going.

From talking with my friends, I realised how much control my parents have over my emotions. I often feel guilty for speaking up, and I’ve never challenged their authority, even when their words upset me. One of my friends told me, “The only way to be independent is to kill your parents in your heart.” While extreme, it made me think—if I constantly prioritise their thoughts over what’s best for me, I will never truly be independent.

My parents are getting older, and I worry about not being able to care for them closely since I live in another country. My friend pointed out that parents are independent people too. The easiest way for them to control someone is to have a child, but they should focus on themselves rather than making their kids the center of their world. As an adult, I should have more power over my life, but it’s hard to break free from their control. I’ve tried many times to explain how their words affect me, but they never listen. Their harsh words always come with the justification, “It’s for your own good.”

I’m starting to realise I shouldn’t be trapped by the phrase “for your own good.” This is my life, and I should have the power to live it my way. While I respect my parents, their expectation that I should always be with them and take care of them is a form of control—and it’s selfish. Giving birth to a child doesn’t grant them control over my entire life. If they expected that, they should never have had children. I will, one day, separate myself from feeling guilty about not being with them all the time. I need to find my own independence, even if it’s difficult.