I lost my keys

I listened to a podcast today about friendship, and it made me realise that as I get older, it has become increasingly difficult for me to make new friends. I can connect with someone in 10 seconds if the vibe feels right, but those moments are rare. Right now, I have a group of five close friends, and the other four are my best friends. We’re always together, and while I deeply value them, I sometimes worry that I rely on them too much. They all have other friends, while I feel like I only have them.

Sometimes, I feel insecure when they don’t contact me or take a while to reply to my messages. I even feel a bit jealous when they hang out with others and post about it on social media. This morning, I felt particularly low because one of my friends hadn’t replied to my messages, and we have our first podcast scheduled for Saturday. I started feeling abandoned, wondering if she had plans with other people instead of me. On top of that, the first guest we invited for the podcast hadn’t responded about the script, and I began worrying that she regretted agreeing to the interview.

Feeling overwhelmed, I called another friend who is struggling with visa issues in Barcelona. She hasn't been able to sleep for days because of the stress. While talking to her, I complained about all the uncertainties happening in my life and how insecure I was feeling. I realised that I just wanted to feel better by knowing someone else was facing more difficulties than I was.

Then, ironically, while I was on the call, all the people I had been worried about replied to me, proving once again that I had been overthinking everything.

I know this is a weakness of mine—constantly worrying about what others think of me. One of my friends has pointed it out before. I tend to ask them how they feel about my boyfriend or other things in my life, and their opinions have the power to change my emotions. For example, this morning, once I got replies, I felt much better. No matter how many books I read or how much I achieve, I still struggle with needing validation from others.

Later, I realised I had lost my keys. Normally, I keep them in my backpack, but I might have put them in my jacket pocket, which is quite shallow. I must have dropped them somewhere. I had plans to go bouldering with my friends, but losing the keys disturbed everything. I asked them to come to my place, and one of them came to help me search, but we still couldn’t find them.

Surprisingly, even though I lost my keys, I didn’t feel that upset. My friend came to help, and after some time searching, we just gave up, sat on the sofa, watched TV, and caught up with each other. We ended up having a great time together.

In the end, it turned out to be a lovely day. Everything I had imagined would go wrong ended up turning out just fine—except for the missing keys, but even that wasn’t a big deal. I’ve realised that I need to be more confident and stop doubting myself so much when it comes to my friendships.